Making the hard decisions

 Harper,

This week we had kinder orientation. This year I decided you'd repeat 3Yo kinder. I say I because this was more my choice than your dads, which just made the decision even harder. It's decisions like these I wish we agreed on, then I wouldn't spend months doubting mine, but here we are. My decision, my shoulders.

As I've started preparing you for a new class with different friends and different teachers I can tell your becoming anxious. Most days before kinder you ask if Kale will be there, worried about the day he won't. You've come a long way this year, made a best-friend, found independence and gained trust in yourself. This decision has been agonising, making me restless, as I jumped back and forth, so many times, knowing deep down this was always the decision I'd make.

I want to be able to send you on, to have you with the friends you've made and not be repeating what you've already learnt. But I just can't.

I need you to have a better understanding of your allergies by the time you reach school age. I need for you to be safe, and one more year gives you a better chance of outgrowing some, maybe all of your allergies. I want you to know this decision never had anything to do with you intelligence. ever. Your smart, there's no hiding that. Don't ever question it, don't ever doubt it.

Next year brings change, because the time-frames have been shortened only fruit will be served. You'll be able to sit with everyone, no longer be singled out, you'll no longer have an aid. A year to belong.

Some people think it should have been like this from the beginning, I'm no so sure. Although there's been heartbreaking times this year, you've learnt a lot, you're learning boundaries. The escape from our safe home has opened your eyes to dangers that weren't obvious to you before. I hope that a year of being just another child in the class brings you out, I hope you belong. But more than anything I hope it doesn't leave you devastated the following year when things become difficult again.

No one said this was going to be easy, making decisions for my life is hard. Making decisions for your life is harder.

Harper, my first born, my first love. It doesn't matter what year you start school, because you were born to be great.

I love you

Mama

Word-full Wednesday, A love letter.

Dear Harper,

Surprisingly its warm today, we're outside and you are running around a million miles an hour, tormenting Nutella (our dog), and laughing like you know your doing something wrong.

You yell out, "Mummy its rreeallly fun to throw things at Tella"

It's been awhile, I thought now might be a good time to write you a letter. Be prepared its all kinds of mushy.

I love you for all that you are, and all you will be,

I love you when I think you're going to drive me insane.

I love you when you scream at me,

I love you when you hit.

I love you when your shy or scared,

I love you when your happy.

I love the way your hair curls at the ends, I love your big baby blue eyes.

I love your gappy teeth and boyish hands. 

Nothing you could do, or will become, will break the way I love you.

I can read you like a book, a look on you face, the tone in your voice, over the last two and a half years I've learnt more about you than anyone I've ever known.

Know that to me you are perfect, in everything you do. I know over time you'll grow, things will change and our love will evolve. You're not going to want me around the way you do now, that's ok, I'll learn to take a step back and love you in a new way.

I know there will be times we will drive each other insane, you will wish I wasn't you mum, I'll embarrass you. There will be yelling and tears as we learn our new roles. Knowing we will face challenges won't make them easier, but either will me worrying about them.

I hope I raise you well, I want you to be strong enough to always be true to yourself and know that you are always enough. Life is hard, it will knock you over, more than once, always get back up.

More to come 

love mum xoxo