Olive at two months old

Growth, appearance and life: life is busier than I imagined, it's kinder holidays and we're all at home. Matt's gone back to work so it's just the four of us — pushing through the days finding our new fit. I do the groceries for the first time since you were born without another adult to help, you ride in the carrier Charlie goes in the trolley and Harper walks. Harper doesn't listen to a word I say, Charlie screams because she doesn't want to be in the trolley and I want to give up and leave. But I don't and together somehow we get the job done. By the time we get home your hungry and tired. I sit with you on the floor and feed you slumped against the wall, looking at the piles of groceries I still have to unpack. Things that were once simple are hard now, and as I sit on the floor I can't believe how much my life has changed in five years.

Feeding: you feed every two to three hours day and night. Sometimes you seem to have reflux I can hear the milk moving up and down, these are often the times your breathing pauses though it's becoming less often and I'm feeling more confident each week.

Sleeping: day sleeps are in the lounge room in the pram, I keep the radio on and you sleep through H and C running around the house. Night sleeps are in bed with us.

Development: You coo and smile. You are really relaxed and happy you don't often cry even when your tired, etc.


Olive at one month old


Growth, appearance and life: You look like Harper, your bottom lip disappears into your mouth the way his did, your eyes are round and your heads coved in short fluffy hair. You have more hair than your sister did, its brown and soft and smells like baby. Our first months has been kind of terrifying, your breathing is still irregular. There are more pauses than usual, I feel scared all the time and wake up expecting you to not be breathing. My mind goes back to the hospital more than I'd like. I'm so grateful to have you but watching you nearly die almost broke me. The four days following your birth were the hardest days of my life. I want to let go of the bitterness I feel for having to go through what we did, I want to just feel thankful to have a you — soon.

Feeding: You feed well, around every two hours. I worried when you were taken to NICU I thought I wouldn't be able to breastfeed, I worried I'd lose my milk, you were tube feed for the first day and a half, then moved on to bottles of expressed milk. It didn't make a difference to you, your pretty laid back and tend to go along with whatever.

Sleeping: you wake every couple of hours, I change you and feed you and sometimes change you again. You go back to sleep without to much fuss in bed next to me, where you belong.


The day I dared to hope

The mother scanned the shelf for a carton of milk. There seemed so many. It had been five long years since she'd stopped to look at milk. Previously she avoided the milk aisle, little fingers couldn't help but to touch. As if the thought of the impossible seduced him, his fingers always wandered further than they should. Now his fingers wandered and she let them. She stood there as if in a trance and when she couldn't decide she went with the choice that seemed the most normal. The one she was use to seeing in the fridge on trips to grandmas. The one she carefully avoided as she stacked her sons food into the fridge.

As she lifted the carton off the shelf her son asked to carry it. It took everything she had to say yes, her brain hadn't caught up with the day's events and she wondered if it ever would. After pausing she handed him the carton and he took it, he cradled the carton in his arms, the way she'd once held him. He held his head high on the short walk to the register, the mother didn't speak. She had no words left and even if she did none were needed. He stood tall as he waited at the register. Somehow the enemy had become the treasure.

Somehow they made it.

Somehow they survived.

Life threatening food allergies don't end with food. They effect every aspect of your life. And just when you think you're got this they knock you down. You lose friends. You lose trust. People you thought would support you don't. You can't sleep at night because you're to busy worrying if your child will die when they aren't with you. The anxiety sneaks into other areas of your life, and if you're not careful it will take you down. It's taken everything I've had to survive the last 5 years. Today we won. The biggest win we've had.

Today my son took on cows milk and he won.

This post was written after attending a hospital food challenge to cows milk. Harper is still allergic to egg, and tree nuts. He has now outgrown Potato, Peanut, FPIES to rolled oats, soy and cows milk. 


3 Years Old.


“To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.” ― Dr. Seuss

Happy 3rd Birthday Bird. I'm so proud that we made you. You are so fierce and I happen to think you're spectacular.