13.3.15

The day I dared to hope


The mother scanned the shelf for a carton of milk. There seemed so many. It had been five long years since she'd stopped to look at milk. Previously she avoided the milk aisle, little fingers couldn't help but to touch. As if the thought of the impossible seduced him, his fingers always wandered further than they should. Now his fingers wandered and she let them. She stood there as if in a trance and when she couldn't decide she went with the choice that seemed the most normal. The one she was use to seeing in the fridge on trips to grandmas. The one she carefully avoided as she stacked her sons food into the fridge.

As she lifted the carton off the shelf her son asked to carry it. It took everything she had to say yes, her brain hadn't caught up with the day's events and she wondered if it ever would. After pausing she handed him the carton and he took it, he cradled the carton in his arms, the way she'd once held him. He held his head high on the short walk to the register, the mother didn't speak. She had no words left and even if she did none were needed. He stood tall as he waited at the register. Somehow the enemy had become the treasure.

Somehow they made it.

Somehow they survived.

Life threatening food allergies don't end with food. They effect every aspect of your life. And just when you think you're got this they knock you down. You lose friends. You lose trust. People you thought would support you don't. You can't sleep at night because you're to busy worrying if your child will die when they aren't with you. The anxiety sneaks into other areas of your life, and if you're not careful it will take you down. It's taken everything I've had to survive the last 5 years. Today we won. The biggest win we've had.

Today my son took on cows milk and he won.

This post was written after attending a hospital food challenge to cows milk. Harper is still allergic to egg, and tree nuts. He has now outgrown Potato, Peanut, FPIES to rolled oats, soy and cows milk. 

25.2.15

3 Years Old.

15-02-15


“To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.” ― Dr. Seuss

Happy 3rd Birthday Bird. I'm so proud that we made you. You are so fierce and I happen to think you're spectacular.

6.2.15

5 years old

28.01.2015
Dear Harper,

Happy birthday. Somehow we're here, you're 5 years old. 


Something about five feels big. Maybe it's the idea that schools around the corner or maybe its because I've felt a shift over the last few months, it's subtle but I feel the pull. It's started, and I wish I could hold tight and stop it, I wish I could keep you tightly tucked under my wing. I'd keep you safe forever. I'd shelter you from the cruelty you'll find in this world and keep you my happy little boy.


But nothing I can do will keep you little and though this world is cruel it's also beautiful, and even little boys aren't always happy. And this beautiful thing we call life has it's ups and downs and you'll get hurt, your heart will be broken, and I won't always be able to fix your problems. But I promise to always try. I want big things for you, but mostly I just want you to be happy and kind, don't ever lose your big heart.

Love you,
Mum 

12.1.15

For the moment



What will my life look like without you as close? What happens when you grow up?

This holiday I'm making time to read, to play. I'm pulling myself away from the house work long enough to be present with them now. Because when you're stuck in the never ending tiredness, the never ending washing, the never ending parenting you easily forget it won't last forever and when you wake up and its over you'll wish it did.