Olive at one month old

09-12-1014

Growth, appearance and life: You look like Harper, your bottom lip disappears into your mouth the way his did, your eyes are round and your heads coved in short fluffy hair. You have more hair than your sister did, its brown and soft and smells like baby. Our first months has been kind of terrifying, your breathing is still irregular. There are more pauses than usual, I feel scared all the time and wake up expecting you to not be breathing. My mind goes back to the hospital more than I'd like. I'm so grateful to have you but watching you nearly die almost broke me. The four days following your birth were the hardest days of my life. I want to let go of the bitterness I feel for having to go through what we did, I want to just feel thankful to have a you — soon.

Feeding: You feed well, around every two hours. I worried when you were taken to NICU I thought I wouldn't be able to breastfeed, I worried I'd lose my milk, you were tube feed for the first day and a half, then moved on to bottles of expressed milk. It didn't make a difference to you, your pretty laid back and tend to go along with whatever.

Sleeping: you wake every couple of hours, I change you and feed you and sometimes change you again. You go back to sleep without to much fuss in bed next to me, where you belong.