Harper had allergy testing this week. It happens once a year. As the weeks draw closer my mind grows busy, I feel like I can't quite get it together, because sometimes I'm coping and sometimes I'm not, because the simple truth is we're all coping until we're not. I'm restless and full of what ifs, I hope for change. I hope for the end. The end of this journey, the end of the never ending fear. The end of my boy feeling different. But Hope as I must, I know there's a place for hope and there's a place for reality, so I never hope too much, because I know that disappointment hits hard when you're hopeful. So instead I keep going, I live the life that is now because what room is there for day dreams that may never come. I try to be brave, I try to slowly let down these walls I've built, to take more risks in a controlled environment, but it's hard so freaking hard. And trust isn't earned easily when it's your child's life as stake.
Earlier this year Harper had an anaphylactic reaction to nuts, I didn't blog about it because it was hard to put into words, it was terrifying and incredibly disappointing, and honestly I just couldn't deal with writing that post. Not then, not now. I don't have the spare emotion to tell you what it's like to watch your child scream as their face swells, or to watch as their body covers with hundreds hives, and I definitely don't have the words to explain how my heart was beating so hard I thought I could hear it, or how my hands started to shake as I noticed an increase work of breathing. So instead I'll just say it was scary, it happened and I was scared.
We thought Harper was no longer allergic to nuts, we were slowly crossing them off our list, so the reaction was a shock. This week we found the culprit was cashew. His reading for milk has doubled, and egg has come down by one point.
Allergy testing round 7, one step forward two steps back.