2 Steps Forward 1 Step Back. A Kinder Christmas Party.

He hung heavy from my neck, feeling the weight of his body brought memories of when he was young, a time that seems so long ago and just yesterday all at once, back then I comforted him from physical pain knowing soon he'd feel better, today I didn't know how to make him feel better. I knew nothing I could do would fix this, but still I tried. I tried words, knowing they wouldn't help, and when they didn't I held him tight and let him cry. My chest grew wet from the tears that seemed like they'd never stop. I could hear the frustration in his tears, I could feel the pain.

The pain of not belonging, the pain of wanting to fit in, the pain that sometimes life's just not fair.

I tried to remind him that this was the way it was, the way its always been. Was it him I was trying to talk down or was it me? I could feel we were being watched, what did the parents think as they saw Harper lose control? Maybe they thought he was spoilt, maybe they thought he was tired. Maybe they realised that the struggles of raising a child with allergies doesn't end with food. It's far deeper, and just maybe for a moment they got it, they saw the heartbreak here that cannot be fixed by words or cuddles.

2 steps forward, one step backwards. I've reminded myself of that saying over the years when things became hard. I just wish I reminded myself that when the step backwards comes it hits hard, it hurts, so be prepared to fall before it happens.


Written after attending a kinder break up party, where Harper had to sit on a table with Charlie and I and watch as his friends ran around playing and eating food he couldn't have.